Back in the saddle with itchy ears, ninja moms and other stuff
Okay..I said no new years resolutions but here's one. I'll try not to do any more boring posts. Well okay all my posts are boring but damnit people this is my happy little dream and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop trying to wake me up. Alright....Alright.
Have you ever woke up with itchy ears. I don't mean those little outter crevices that we all pretend to wash and then when the dirt and wax builds up we have to pick at it wondering where all the crud came from...but the deep down in your ear drum let me shove a ice pick in there to scratch my brain sort of itch. That was the wonderful sensation that I woke up to this morning. Which of course immediatly made me parnoid that the dogs left ticks or fleas in the bed since they love to sleep on the bed. So all morning I've got the mutts pinned to the floor picking them over like monkeys in a zoo grooming each other looking for pests. Of course they had none so now then I contiplated pouring alchol in my ear...but alas I eneded up drinking the tequilla instead of washing it down my ears...now I'm buzzed with itchy ears. If you don't hear from me for a few days it means I've found a very tall basement window to fling myself out of in an attempt to stop the insanity in my ears.
Okay I've had several inquiries about the frozen bread loaf incident...Thanks Chicken for not letting me conspiciously hide my shame in your comments section...LOL So here is the whole humiliting story.
Around the age of 16, when all of us know infinatly more than our parents do. (That's when they should kick us the hell outta their houses to go make our millions since we are so worldly and wise at that age and KNOW IT ALL damnit) Anyway, myself and my Uncle who is only a few years older than I am were arguing about something in the kitchen, so my mom walks in to break up the fisco of our fight. I'm 6'1" and he is like 6"4" and we were most definatly trailor trash..(walk into the kitchen/living room through the front door..man I wish I was joking about that one) so when we got to wrestling it felt like a hurricane/tornado/earthquake was hitting the home...so mom is trying to break up the fight and the Uncle and I deceide to turn on her, and play hot potato..with my poor 5'8" mother as the hot potato. This of course did not amuze her in the slightest. So she whips around and flings open the freezer. Now my mom buys EVERYTHING on sale and freezes it..no matter what it is. So she had like 80 loaves of bread in the freezer. She grabs one in each hand, whirls around on us holding these loaves of bread by the tie ends, and has this wild look in her eyes, and drool dripping down her chin. She beigins to make this high pitch noise that sounds like a bad Bruce Lee movie sound track and starts to ninja swing aroud these loaves of bread. People I'm here to tell you I've never had my ass kicked so badly as I did that day with those frozen bread loaves. My uncle and I were supporting black eyes, multiple cuts and contusions, fat lips and I think I still have a chipped tooth from that incident. Nothing and I mean nothing my blogging famliy..is more humbling than to have your ass kicked by a short woman sporting bread loaves. By the way ask Burfica, mom was just as wild with the Ninja flyswatters..Burf got her share of welts and bruises from the flyswatters. Of course looking back on it now...we were such angels there is no way we deserved this punishment. I after all was the perfect child, and while Burf wasn't perfect she was as close as she could get being the younger sister and all. Evil rotten mommy anyway.
Speaking of being the big sister...I contiplated this morning being a very good sister and was going to Call Burfica early..since she's been posting on her blog (>>>>look over there under don't eat the tomatoes..good lord folks if you aint' read it yet you are lacking in your daily blogging experience) any ways she's been whinning and moaning about sleeping in and how hard it's gonna be to start getting up to take the kiddo to school..so I thought hey...she's an hour behind me so I'll just call to be helpful...but then I grew a brain. Last time I thought I'd be helpful and call her early...the kiddo answered. Let me tell you all..this is scary, this child hates mornings as much as his mother does. Last time I called and woke up the bratnic, I swear I dialed 1-800-Satanshotline. This child picked up the phone and sounded like something you'd conjur up in a horror movie voodoo ceremony. The gruntal growls and threats from the mouth of a 8 1/2 year old is bone chilling. So being the great big sister and wonderful Aunt that I am...deceided to let the two darlings sleep in as long as they wanted to, I never want to cross the early morning spawn of satan again, I'll just wait until my little angelic nephew as emerged in the mid-morning early afternoon sweet kid that he really is.
Okay enough blogging for now.
I hope I've thus far stuck to my new years resolution
Have you ever woke up with itchy ears. I don't mean those little outter crevices that we all pretend to wash and then when the dirt and wax builds up we have to pick at it wondering where all the crud came from...but the deep down in your ear drum let me shove a ice pick in there to scratch my brain sort of itch. That was the wonderful sensation that I woke up to this morning. Which of course immediatly made me parnoid that the dogs left ticks or fleas in the bed since they love to sleep on the bed. So all morning I've got the mutts pinned to the floor picking them over like monkeys in a zoo grooming each other looking for pests. Of course they had none so now then I contiplated pouring alchol in my ear...but alas I eneded up drinking the tequilla instead of washing it down my ears...now I'm buzzed with itchy ears. If you don't hear from me for a few days it means I've found a very tall basement window to fling myself out of in an attempt to stop the insanity in my ears.
Okay I've had several inquiries about the frozen bread loaf incident...Thanks Chicken for not letting me conspiciously hide my shame in your comments section...LOL So here is the whole humiliting story.
Around the age of 16, when all of us know infinatly more than our parents do. (That's when they should kick us the hell outta their houses to go make our millions since we are so worldly and wise at that age and KNOW IT ALL damnit) Anyway, myself and my Uncle who is only a few years older than I am were arguing about something in the kitchen, so my mom walks in to break up the fisco of our fight. I'm 6'1" and he is like 6"4" and we were most definatly trailor trash..(walk into the kitchen/living room through the front door..man I wish I was joking about that one) so when we got to wrestling it felt like a hurricane/tornado/earthquake was hitting the home...so mom is trying to break up the fight and the Uncle and I deceide to turn on her, and play hot potato..with my poor 5'8" mother as the hot potato. This of course did not amuze her in the slightest. So she whips around and flings open the freezer. Now my mom buys EVERYTHING on sale and freezes it..no matter what it is. So she had like 80 loaves of bread in the freezer. She grabs one in each hand, whirls around on us holding these loaves of bread by the tie ends, and has this wild look in her eyes, and drool dripping down her chin. She beigins to make this high pitch noise that sounds like a bad Bruce Lee movie sound track and starts to ninja swing aroud these loaves of bread. People I'm here to tell you I've never had my ass kicked so badly as I did that day with those frozen bread loaves. My uncle and I were supporting black eyes, multiple cuts and contusions, fat lips and I think I still have a chipped tooth from that incident. Nothing and I mean nothing my blogging famliy..is more humbling than to have your ass kicked by a short woman sporting bread loaves. By the way ask Burfica, mom was just as wild with the Ninja flyswatters..Burf got her share of welts and bruises from the flyswatters. Of course looking back on it now...we were such angels there is no way we deserved this punishment. I after all was the perfect child, and while Burf wasn't perfect she was as close as she could get being the younger sister and all. Evil rotten mommy anyway.
Speaking of being the big sister...I contiplated this morning being a very good sister and was going to Call Burfica early..since she's been posting on her blog (>>>>look over there under don't eat the tomatoes..good lord folks if you aint' read it yet you are lacking in your daily blogging experience) any ways she's been whinning and moaning about sleeping in and how hard it's gonna be to start getting up to take the kiddo to school..so I thought hey...she's an hour behind me so I'll just call to be helpful...but then I grew a brain. Last time I thought I'd be helpful and call her early...the kiddo answered. Let me tell you all..this is scary, this child hates mornings as much as his mother does. Last time I called and woke up the bratnic, I swear I dialed 1-800-Satanshotline. This child picked up the phone and sounded like something you'd conjur up in a horror movie voodoo ceremony. The gruntal growls and threats from the mouth of a 8 1/2 year old is bone chilling. So being the great big sister and wonderful Aunt that I am...deceided to let the two darlings sleep in as long as they wanted to, I never want to cross the early morning spawn of satan again, I'll just wait until my little angelic nephew as emerged in the mid-morning early afternoon sweet kid that he really is.
Okay enough blogging for now.
I hope I've thus far stuck to my new years resolution
posted by Alekx @ 11:37 AM
2 Comments:
At 11:17 AM,
Burfica said…
OMG OMG OMG soooo very funny. Of course she was a perfect mother, never spanked us *snicker* or lost her temper *snort* or ripped the cabinet doors off cuz it was in her way *herkle* or ripped the screen door off cuz she broke it when she slammed it, *crunk* or beat a hole in the bathroom door, cuz she locked herself in cuz she was mad and it wouldn't open after it was shut and locked *choke*
Yes she had the bad bad hormone rages that turned her into this sweet sweet person.
At 2:13 PM,
kitten said…
Omg..Wicked funny, Alekx....satanshotline...baw haw haw haw!!!!
i have itchy ears all the time...but its like way in side..like the places your NOT supposed to stick things like sheetrock screws...which make your ears bleed. but they wont itch anymore, i promise.
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