Adventures of Walmart Shopping

In my infinate wisdom I deceided that since the mutts were out of dog food and would be highly unhappy with me if I did not go get some more as a peace offering before going home last night I might as well just do a bit more shopping at the "super walmart" up the street from the house.
WTF ever possed me to go to friggin walmart at 7:00 in the evening 2 days before Thanksgiving.
Is it just me or does every retard in the solar system deceide to shop at this time.
Shopping at walmart at anytime is like running a gaulent through dimwits, half-breeds (animal/human) and just plain zombies, but it is ever so much worse during and close to the holidays.

So I pull in to a parking place about 250 miles from the front door, this should have been my first clue. I love to watch the people that will take an entire tank of gas circling the parking lot and end up with a parking place about 3 closer than the one I just chose. It's like watching vultures circle over newly squished road kill. Boy and do they get pissy if they've been circling for like 2.5 hours and then someone who just pulls into the formation finds a spot right up front. I swear I've seen anywhere from convulsions to rocket launchers when this happens.

I finally make it up to the front door after having almost been ran over by 6 or 8 of the circling vultures in the parking lot only to find the only cart left to take is the one that wobbles and pulls hard to the right, so now I'm doing this sideways shimmy with the cart down the isles.
Once inside now you find the second crowd. These are like do-do birds. They seem to be standing around displays of q-tips or lawn fertilizer making crowing sounds like this is the best buy they have ever come across. Most of them have glazed looks on their faces, drool dripping down their chins and snot bubbles popping from one or the other of their nostrils. It's like pod people have taken over..I keep waiting for them to look at me, point and start that high pitch scream informing the others that there is an alien in their midst. It's just damn unsettling I tell you.

I finally run the gaulent through the store and get everything I need (or so I think). Oh and when has it been okay to let 500 screaming little rug rats with no adult supervison lose in the bike isle. I swear to GOD there were at least 500 children ranging in age from 6 months to 12 years old on every sort of bike or trike or hot wheel racing hell bent for leather up and down the isles at about mock 2 with their hair on fire. Man that is the way to win any war..I tell you...let them lose in a foreign country for about 10 minutes and the whole country will surrender..just begging in the peace agreement to take all those screaming children AWAY.

Okay so now I've made it to the check out stand. I've now dilligently unloaded the cart onto the little conveior belt, look at the cash register girl and she is standing there streaching her bubble gum outta her mouth and then putting it back in, she does this about 4 times...finally she looks at me and gets this startled look on her face and goes Oh are you ready to check out. I'm like "No sweetheart..I just like to come to the store once a day and see how much shit I can load up on one of these belts" Here's your fucking sign dimwit.

Oh my god then I made the mistake of paying her $60 in cash and telling her I'd put the rest on my debit card. Please for the love of mankind and the people in line behind you..do not do this to the walmart cashiers. It severly overloads their brain circuts. It took 7 times explaining it to her and her calling a manager over to tell her that was more than okay to do. By this time I was beating my head on the snickers bar display.

I made it outside and loaded up the Durango with my hard won purchases only to have 8 of the flock of vultures all scrambling into position awaiting my depature. It was scary watching them....

I got home and relized I forgot toilet paper...I think I will pay the 4 dollars exta and just go over to the Tom Thumb grocery store. I don't think I can take 2 days in a row of Walmart.