Not my fault

I can't post another story until Burfica does her next one...and she's to busy doing some sort of computer game challenge so go to her blog>>>>>>>>>> over there under don't eat the tomatoes (holy crap don't make me do all the work you lazy fools) and go bitch at her to do her next post, and don't whine at me to do one.

AZA you gotta e-mail me with your instant messager info or something..ya know that's my back room...heheheheh

More adventures of weddings

Okay so I forgot what friggin' day I got married! Who cares, sheesh with the anniversary Aug 20 something and my birthday Aug 27, the house elf thinks this is one gift giving opprutunity* anyway...Grrrrrrrrrrr

Soooooo August 20 something in 1999 (I think) we, as in the house elf and I, not you and I folks, get married, having this great middle ages style wedding, lots of swords, viking spears, flaming hamsters and sacrificing of vestiual virgins. You know the whole works. (Disclaimer: The catholic priest was not thrilled with the flaming hampster thing)

1st I'd like to say that NO I did not remember the converstation with my sister about the 2 months of A's and the 21st as I had the worlds worst cold of my life and was all drugged out on multiple cold remedies. Dayquil, nitequil, jack daniels, stripping fluid..the whole works so I'm not even sure I acutally got married.

I do remember during the ceremony at some point (A full catholic wedding even with the hampsters and sacrifices) I looked over at Burfica and in my best whispering voice which of course from the snickers in the church I'm sure carried, looked at Burf and go....So are we Fing married yet or not..I'm confused. ~Sigh~ I think this was after the priest said I pronounce you man and wife, but didn't say you may kiss the bride (that came at the end of the mass you all) so I didn't know what the hell was going on.

After the whole reception thing where I was kidnapped by a middle ages household and my new hubby had to dirty dance with about 35 ladies to "get me back" (that's a whole nother story in itself) we head out to Tombstone AZ to stay in a authentic western style "bordello" (Dont' ask me how the fuck we went from middle ages to authentic western I don't know damnit) Upon arriving at our "honeymoon suite" I've discovered I don't have any shoes to wear (Including the shoes I had with my wedding dress I still don't know where they are, and I don't have a decent shirt to wear AND I have at least 35 frigging pounds of birdseed in my boustiee..damnit no wonder the crows were circling us. AND I'm coming down off my drug induced High of cold medicines so I'm also having DT's...
Having a wonderful house elf he went out and purchased us a wonderful dinner and brought it back to the room where we were quite romantic and stuff..

Most of our wedding guests were leaving the next day back to their respective homes, so we planned on meeting everyone for breakfast and sending them off. Burf and I kept calling our Dad to tell him what time and where to meet us. No damn answer...SHIT did he die in his sleep or what, or did he take home a hottie and they hid the phone in the shower...
I head over to his house and he hadn't been home all night, strange cuz my dad is obsessive about his cat and no way would he not have gone home to feed the cat.

We call the last place he said he was going the day before, and our friends out there are like nope he was here but he left at like 1 AM to go home. I asked them to drive their road as they live in the boonies. 5 minutes later we get a call saying they found his car on the side of the road but no Dad anywhere to be found.
Our friends coordinate a quick local area search party and take off hiking in the general area looking for the now defunked father. I make a call to the Sheriff's department who had a call about someone stumbling down the middle of the highway in the general area around 2AM so now the Police are looking for a body on the side of the road "just in case"

The local search and rescue said because he was an adult they wouldn't send out a search party for him, so I had to pull out all the stops...Tears but he's got high blood pressure and diabeties and he doesn't have any of his medication. So that got them singing a new tune and off went full search crews looking for my wayward father.

Now mind you it's August in the AZ desert so it's like 114 degrees outside (in the shade people, in the shade) As the day drags on and on and still no dad things are looking pretty grim...lots of tears on mine and Burf's part..lots of anger cuz Dad is a Marine and a retired Arizona Highway Patrolman and HE FUCKING knows better than to leave your vehicle in AZ in the summer so of course we have the worst thoughts possible.

Finally we get a call from the search crews at about 7 that night them telling us they found him, so Burf and I rush out to the area they told us doing about 120 mph (thankfully the police all knew me from my stint with the Military police) and we didn't get a speeding ticket and there is dad sitting there a bit sweaty but not to much the worse for wear.

Apparently his truck broke down and he deceided to hike back to our friends house but before hiking back toward their house he downed like 8 bud lights (since he wouldn't drink and drive he figured drinking and walking would be okay) and headed off in the direction he thought there house was. His first clue he was going the wrong way, is when he fell in a 8 foot canyon and knocked his silly ass out, when he came to he was not all with it and walked for about half an hour before going Ah Fuck now I've done it I'm lost. So being the Marine he is he heard the river flowing (shut up there are a few pockets of water in Arizona) and knew the river led to the RR tracks and the tracks led to the highway and he could flag someone down from there, so off he went drinking river water all day (icky) until HE found the search crew, not them finding him.

Burfica had the best line I've ever heard...there was this little chickie all day long that was going around crying and making everyone be worried about her..saying how she'll be so sad if something happened to dad, blah blah blah, fucking drama queen, it was our dad after all. So when we get there to get dad, she is there, and she looks at Burf, tears in her eyes, saying you know I love you dad too...and Burf in all her glory looks at this girl and says, that's nice but I loved him first so just go away.
Man that line should be in a movie.

Anyway ladies and gentlemen that is how I spent my first day as a married woman

Next installment should be "the day I tried to run Burfica over with my car"


*However last year he pulled a fast one on my getting me a new camera on our anniversary and the underwater housing for my birthday. I wasn't sure how he turned one gift into two so therefore couldn't be peeved at him. Damnit anyway

Why Alekx should never wax and buff the floors

.......so after the big set up that Burfica did to me on the day she was actually married. She came back to AZ and shortly after I moved back up to the little shit hole town she and mom live in.
We then began to plan a "real wedding" for her and Gigantor. Being the ever so tight asses that we are we began the bargin hunting and decorating ourselves etc etc...We deceide to have the wedding at what is called the town house (where we used to hold all the discos that mom, uncle, burf and I used to throw once a month)
Anyway the place had kinda gone by the wayside of drunken homeless Navajos in the area...Them using the BBQ's as toilets etc. After having the city clean up the general area, we begin the transformation of making this little hall into a truly western setting since both Burf and Gigantor are cowboys.

Sooo I figure I'm gonna make the floors ever so lovely for my baby sister and went off and rented a floor buffer..and proceeded to strip the floor...clean up all the scuff marks and put several layers of wax with a good buffing in between each layer of wax. Folks you've heard the addage you could see your reflection in the floor. well that was my floor where my lovely little coniving, sadistic sister was going to say her vows for those of us who were not invited to see her get married was going to take place. boys and girls this floor looked like a mirror smooth lake it was so purdy...

Well as the big day approached, and we were moving tables and chairs into the hall...this Alaskain style freezing rain/blizzard hits..so who catches pnonimioa or something, making everything perfect for the kid. ME THAT'S WHO, chilled to the damn bone I tell you.

Then...the evening before the wedding...we deceide "something" is missing to make this setting look like a real cowboy/prarie style sceene. So off to the desert we go to start pulling up tumble weeds and other styles of weeds that looked really cool mind you and then back to the hall to put them all about making it look like a real desert, old time cowboy area. PERFECT I tell you...Right up until a few hours later where many of the people are now covered in Calidril lotion becasue of the HUGE HIVES that are covering their bodies. OH GOOD LORD this is half the wedding party..Funny as hell...

Now being a real western wedding, after FOREVER of being out shopping we Burf, mom and I had finally found the PERFECT western boots to wear with her wedding dress..White and sparkley and just plain purdy boots. after making sure they fit and went with the dress we put them away in anticipation of the big day.

Now the big day has arrived. Burf is in the ever so large bathroom changing..Our Father is pacing up and down in front of the bathroom waiting to "give his baby away"
we give the high sign that the bride is ready....the ever so lovely lady on the organ begins the wedding march (after we attendents get up to the front.) Looking back toward the bride she comes out of the bathroom and takes my fathers arm and they step out onto my oh so very gorgous waxed and buffed floor........................and I see her eyes go as big as man hole covers....People I didn't know your eye sockets could expand to that damn size. I then see her whispering out the side of her mouth to my father who's eyes are also quite large...
I look down and Burf's feet are not moving at all...and my father is shuffeling along DRAGGING Her down the aisle...
People this is when I almost lost it...I realized that the floor was VERY VERY VERY slick and we had not scuffed her boots so they were also mirror smooth causing an effect like a small greased pig running from children trying to catch it for a prize.
I then realized that my father is in brand new dress shoes and hand not scuffed his shoes either.
So after she gets drug down the aisle, slipping and sliding to her groom...we all at different times had ot hold her up so she didn't go sliding past the preacher and right smack through a wall.

All of this while trying to convince my 4 year old cousin that now is not the time to keep pulling her dress up over her head and her little leotards down to her ankles.
All in all it was quite an entertaining ceremony

And this ladies and gentlemen is why you should never allow me near your floors when you have some sort of formal ceremony.

Total Set up

Okay after reading Burfica's post about mom and the pranks pulled on each other by our family I thought I'd have to throw in one of my own.

You all think Burfica is this sweet funny little lady that wouldn't harm a fly. Ha I tell you and Ha again. She is a sneaky, coniving, maniuplating little thing. But that's why she's my sis and I love her

So April 21st 2005, she's been married 12 years.
Well let me tell you about April 21, 1993.

First Burfica and Gigantor had been dating for a few months. Okay honestly they'd been having snail mail and phone sex for several months but hey he was in the Navy and you gotta take what you can get when stuck on a ship full'o'men. After a few of those months Gigantor proposed (nervously mind you) but proposed to Burfica who accepted after putting poor Gigantor through the task of asking for the mom of frozen bread loaves and the father of AK-47's permission.

So me in all my glory kept telling them. Don't wait for him to get outta the Navy just get married now and collect the BAQ money. But NO they wanted to wait till he was out and have a big wedding. Well Okay thinks me..whatever but I'm smarter but they can do what they want. (I'm am smarter so stop laughing all of you and finish reading..sheesh)

Burfica heads out to Virgina to visit the on-shore-leave Gigantor for a few days. Then I get a call from her on April 21, 1993, I'm not at home but I get a message on my answering machine. (This is before voice mail you all)

Burfica: Hi Alekx it's me..I'm in Virgina............
Ummmmmmmmm Gigantor and I aren't engaged anymore (sounds like she is crying)
Looooooooooong Silent pause for effect
Me: Thinking to myself...The BASTARD dumped my baby sister and left her stranded in VA I'm gonna kill his little Navy ASS.
Burfica: (Continuing after the long dramitic pause) Ummmmmm we went down the JP's today and got married. Can you call mom she is way PISSED Off about this
Click...the phone goes dead as Burf hangs up the line

Me: Great now I have to call mom and listen to her be all pissed off cuz Burf didn't let her fly out to see her "baby" get married.

So I pick up the phone preparing myself for the tirade of the frozen bread loaf mother.

Me: Hi mom how are you
FBLM: Hi Alekx, I'm fine how are you.
Me: I'm great...so Mom what's this about Burfica and Gigantor getting married this morning
FBLM: Long long long long long long long pause........."What" (in this what the fuck are you talking about voice)
Me: Yah I got a message about them getting married and Burf said you were very angry at them about it.
FBLM: They got married? When did they get married? (hurt and pissed off tone in her voice.

(That little coneving, snot nosed brat sister of mine set me up in a BIG way you all)

Mom had no clue they had gotten married, she wasn't pissed cuz she knew nothing about it. So Burf set me up to tell mom. Little turd head should have just said I'm to chicken shit to tell mom you do it. I'd of broke the news a bit kinder.

Ha 12 years later Burfica thinks I've gotten even with her when the house elf and I got engaged but I have not yet gotten even for that little stunt. I'll get her yet my pretties..you bet I will.. Just you wait and see.

Greatest Inventions

Don't care what you all say but when you ain't scrubbed your walk in shower in a couple months, and it's beginning to smell like the last bout of dirraha and jack daniels smelling puke from your latest binge at the local bar and picking up bar flies bringing them home and realizing that the local good looking bar fly actually looks like your 70 year old toothless grandmother, the worlds greatest invention is scrubbing bubbles and those little green scrubby cloths.
My shower now sparkles and smells minty fresh. That is until the next round of the 3 P's in the shower. Pooping, peeing and puking.

You all ain't sure if you should take me serious or not are you.
Ahhhhhhhh well ponder on it for awhile my adoring masses.

Hugs and Happy Sunday

Go join the party

You all need to go over and join the party at oh-dark-thirty bring the live animals and beverages and kinky sex toys.
See you at the party!!!

I'm Done....D..U..N...Done

Finally I'm done with the toenail exams. The polish was a very sick color of puke green but that's probaby more information than you wanted to know isn't it. But hey we are all friends here.

The house elf has been away since Monday on a vacation that I was not invited on..again as I eluded to it's a long long story and I'm not going to bore you with it. But here I am single for 10 days, able to go out partying and acting the 20 year old slutty self I used to be and I end up with the flu or some such happy shit. I guess Karma is biting me in the ass.

~~Sigh~~

I am however quite happy to report that the house elf is having a totally miserable time and wishes he were home with his loving, sexy, slutty wife. HA..baby in your eye..

16 days until sunny Cozumel and diving until I think I'm a fish. I'm gonna go buy a new ever so sexy tankini. A bikini would be sexier, on someone much younger, with a much flatter stomach and more shapely legs. But you know what, after years of having to order the largest bathing suit in the "Big womans" catalog I'm just relishing in the fact I can go to a local department store and purchase a cute swim suit off the rack without having to go to the "woman's" section. And hell if I'd go in and get the tummy and thigh tuck I'd have that oh so sexy flat stomach and shapely legs, HOWEVER that means 6 to 9 months without Scuba Diving. Anyone think I'm gonna stay out of the water that long? Taint gonna happen. My true friends know the accomplishment I've made and they can just live with the lose damn skin on my body, besides it makes for an intresting time while in the water and thinking someone is trying to get my attention and then realizing it's the lose skin on my ass whapping me in the back. Ha Ha,,you all think I'm joking, you try losing 257lbs and see what kind of weird shit happens to you.

Well my exciting weekend is going to entail carpet cleaning where those little shit dogs that went to live with my aunt peed all over the carpet. I have 2 rooms done and have 4 more to go. I used to be a professional carpet cleaner so it's not a big deal to clean the carpets I just hate moving the funiture as I'm doing a deep spring cleaning. I'm also getting a bedroom ready for little gigantor this weekend, for his summer stay. Already have Burfica's room done. Hell I'd rent that room from myself it's so nicely done up. Satalite TV, DVD, VCR, highspeed internet connection. Comfy computer chair and a nice queen size bed with pillow shams and dust ruffle. (Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a foo foo type so to even say pillow shams and dust ruffle is cracking up most of my friends) Damn I outdid myself.

Okay I may post later..I'm busy busy busy at the shop today, just wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead, just puked myself inside out for a couple of days.

Happy Friday.
Hugs

Did you know

That you can actually view your toenails from the inside when you are puking really hard.

Well you can

Happier Wednesday than I'm having all

Arrughhhhhhh

I made a long post earlier and the computer blue screened on me.
I shouldn't have written such a steamy post of my past indrescretions of sex, drugs and rock and roll and Harley Davidson's.

It was a great post I wish you could have read it

So in the spirt of my buddy Tim, give me a topic any topic at all and I'll talk about it.

Hugs

Friday Randomness

Is that even a word, Randomness, if it isn't I officially pronounce it a word in Alekx's dictionary of words that should never be.

Happy Friday and happy tax day all. I bet all of you are frantically over your turbo tax and caculators wondering why the hell you waited so long to start this process. I for one have already received my refund and it's happily sitting in the bank awaiting to be changed into 1) Diving in Cozumel and 2) Tires on the Durango so I can go pick up Burfica and the Kiddo in May for them to spend the summer with me. I for one do not do my own taxes. I have an accountant named Maritizzo who looks just like some Italian Mobster God Father sort; who scares the hell outta me, so when he tells me I must pay him for my tax return--with a small fortune and my first born I don't argue for fear he'll send some goon round to my home or work to break my legs. (Little does he know I don't have a first Born. Ha In your eye Mr Godfather)

I'm so happy I finally have found a diving mask that does not leak!! This is huge for me as all my masks leak and there is nothing more irritating than being at 100 feet and you mask keeps filling up with water. Well okay maybe that nasty little crawly, sexually transmitted thing you picked up from the hooker you screwed on a drunken binge is a bit more irritating than a leaking mask but not by much people...not by much.

I think I've heard my very best scuba diving question every. "Do you actually have to go underwater in order to become a certified scuba diver"

Well fuck no..we'll just sit you up on the shore and you can stare at the water for 20 minutes and we'll call it good.

Where do people come up with these questions, or am I just being cranky (shut up Burfica)

Happy Friday, everyone go have hot pig sex on me. You know the kind where you are just rooting around all excited and stuff. No don't think me..it's the least I can do for my friends.

Well Hell

Every person who's blog I read that has converted to Halo Scan I can't comment on their page. It looks like Halo Scan took one massive dump in the blogger community. I guess this just goes to prove that it doesn't matter which free software you use sooner or later it's gonna ream you in the backside.

So I got nothing today..Nothing..I guess I'm being affected by that cursed writers block myself.. Not even my comments are their usual perky self. The only thing perky on me right now is my boobs and that's only becasue I have a padded underwire bra that gives the illusion of perkiness.

I was in the pool last night with students. We have a person with Autism taking dive classes. It's an intresting experience working with someone with a diease that I for one don't really understand. I'm just trying to treat him like a normal person but letting him go at his own pace.
I figure next class we should have someone with Turrets cuz well I probably deserved to be cussed at every 2.1 seconds. Cuz I'm just deserving.

24 days to Cozumel. I can't wait! I just bought a oh so sexy new dive mask, got the house elf a new snorkle and got us some sleek double regulator bags. I always take my regulators as carry on luggage. That is the one piece of equipment that my life relies on mostly and I'm not putting that into checked baggage cuz if my bags don't make it I'll still dive. I have a problem renting regulators, I would do it from the dive company we are diving with as I trust them, and I'll use the rental regs at our shop cuz I know how well they are serviced. But in general I don't want to rent something that my life depends on if I don't know how it's been serviced and I also have this thing about sticking my mouth were there have been hundreds of other mouths that I don't know. Oh shush up all of you I see the kinky comments coming now.

The house elf is leaving for a family vacation on Monday (a family vacation that I wasn't invited to go on...it's a long story and I'll just say hurtful things so we'll leave it at he's going on a vacation that he really doesn't want to go on)
Anyway he's off to Portugal on a Piligimage to Our Lady of Fatima. You know us Catholics, we are not happy unless we can find some statue bleeding tears, the sun spinning backwards or the earth rending itself in 2 and then closing up every hour on the hour. We are either seeking modern day miricles or it's the DT's from all the wine used in communion. (So I'm probably going to hell for that remark)
Anyway there was real no point to that story other than I'll be all alone for 10 days or so.

And all my stalker friends, not a good thing to think you can take advantage to me being alone. Remember I'm the ex-biker, ex-cop type that packs alot of heat in the sexy thigh holsters under the leather mini skirts and thigh high boots. So just use your damn imagination and don't make me shoot you already. Ha..take that in the eye...Also I have a very protective Rotweiller. Are you all scared away yet. Good...so call me we'll do lunch.

It's a beautiful day in our neighborhood

so why can't I get this damn Mr Rogers song out of my head today. I've been wondering around singing this damn song all day. The scary part is I never liked Mr. Rogers. In my younger days he just scared the hell outta me like one of those men that mommy and daddy warned you about...you know the tell me if that man touches you sort of people.
But for some reason today I'm wondering around singing it's a beautiful day in our neighborhood, a beautiful day in our neighborhood, won't you be mine..blah blah blah you all know the song.
Listen this is so bad I've even attempted to sing the Electric Company song, Conjunction Junction what's your function. Blah I'm stuck in my pre-teen years. You gotta help me here folks. I'm losing it.

Oh shush with the remarks that I lost is long ago (Shut up Burfica)

On a good note 26 days until I'm in beautiful Cozumel diving my ass off. Liquid Blue Divers the company I will be diving with is informing me as of today the weather is a nice warm 86 degrees with an ocean temp of 78. If you all ever go diving in Cozumel this is the company to dive with. There is only a couple other dive companys on the whole island that I will dive with and that is only and I mean only if Roberto and Michela 100% can not get us on one of their boats. It's only happened one time folks...one time out of more times than I can count. These folks ROCK! Also if anyone is going to be in Cozumel May 9 to the 15th send me an e-mail we'll hook up when I'm not in the water. Hey you never know, stranger things have happened and I've made some great friends by just tossing things like this out before.

On not such a good note..I had some chick bounce a $178 check on me. I've been calling her trying to get this rectified because I really hate being an evil hag sort of person. But I really think I'm going to have to take this to the County Attorney General's office. The check is a stop payment which she says was because they lost their Debit card and everything was put on stop payment, but I've been trying to get restitution for 3 weeks now. If I take it to the Attorney General's office it's going to be high (can't remember the number) mistamenor as it looks as if she wrote the check after calling her bank about the debit card means she had intent to not pay me. I've even given her an out telling her if she will return the merchandise she purchased I'll be more than happy to call it even as I can either sell or return the items, but she is now refusing to speak to me. I guess I'm going to have to press charges. I hate that. I mean just pick up the phone and say Yo! Alekx I'm so sorry...but I can't pay you but stop by my house and I'll give the stuff back. Grrrrrrrrrr I hate theives.

Okay I'm off to do something, even if it is wrong.
I'll be back later for my adoring public.

That rocks...

I'm hated...I know this is true cuz it was posted in a comment on someone elses blog in living color. **smirk** I'm so glad to know I have that effect on people. Usually it's undying adoration,love and worship from my followers I'm glad to know that in all my cutness I can still expel the evilness that tends to sneak out every now and again.
Okay enough about my cuteness! How was everyone's weekend? I found out on Saturday that if you haven't done any serious swimming for a couple months, and then you go do a 400 yard timed swim for a score you find muscles that you didn't know exsisted. I found out there are muscles in my neck that are connected to my big toes. Okay stop laughing it's true damnit. There is a muscle from my big toe running up the front of my legs through my torso and into the front of my neck. IT HURTS DAMNIT now give me a hug! Sheehs I'm always having to beg you people for affection. **sniff**

On Friday I was to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive to Arkansas to deliver my mom's dogs to her sister. I got up and finally got motivated enough to get on the road, I was a whole 2 miles from home when my aunt called and said, hey we are already in AR why don't we just drive all the way over to Dallas/Ft. Worth that way we can visit mom and pick up the mutts. HA, at 2.00+ a gallon for gas I was like drive on baby. So they show up and folks..those little bark fuckers (stolen from Burfica) loved my Aunt and her hubby. What a relief. When they left the next morning neither dog even looked back when they jumped into the Aunt's car. I'm so glad they are gonna have a great home. On Saturday I got up at the butt crack of dawn again to send of the aunt, the hubby and the mutt heads. So by yesterday all I did was sleep all damn day. I slept better yesterday than I have since all this started in Januaury. And you know what I don't feel the least bit guilty about it either. **big smile**
So that was my rather hum drum weekend. I hope you all have much better stories for me. Things that involve sex, drugs, rock and roll, masturbating with a pepproni pizza or choclate pudding. I want all the gory and sticky details please.
Boy does that leave the door open for Aza, BM and Tim or what. Can't wait to see the stories.

Any one need a mom

**sigh**

I'm gonna catch hell for this but I think I liked it better when she had a ventalor tube stuck down her throat.

Mom informed me 2 days ago she is going home (as in to her house in Arizona) and she is going home soon. Never damn mind that she is still in a wheel chair, nevermind that she has 0 insurance (still fighting with Medicare) and that AZ won't give her insurance again. By God above and all that's holy she is going the hell home. I should just pack her bags for her and tell her there you go. Don't know how you are gonna get there but see ya, have a nice life.

Now I understand she needs to have goals to work toward in order to feel like a person and to feel like she just ain't sitting around waiting to die. But please save my sanity folks. How bout a goal like oh being able to get up and walk 3 feet. Then six feet. The **gasp** maybe down the hall way.

It's a total role reversal, mom has adopted this little baby whinny voice that is kinda like running fingernails down a chalk board, and she is acting like a little kid and I have to be the "mom" and tell her NO! Jesus hoped up Casidy Chirst people, you all who know me know I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Why do I need a 59 year old infant.

Okay I'm done griping about mom. So who is my best friend today so I can give her a bus ticket to your house. Burfica says no way in hell she's going there. (And I don't blame her either)

Divemaster stuff...You all the house elf and I are soooooooo close I can taste it. And it flustrating the water is so cold that we can't get a couple of the things done. I think we are going to attempt to go do them anyway this weekend. We have a new class of folks started. It was quite a shock to look up and see our priest walk in for scuba lessons. (House elf and I are catholic and the pope song on Kitten's blog was a hoot by the way) So in walks the priest....he's been priest of our parish since we moved here. But talk about a shock to my system...he introduces us to his wife and daughter...**cough cough sputter sputter, what the fuck isn't that a going to hell offense in the catholic church?** Anyway apparently he is Eastern Orthodox where marriage is allowed. However I thought I was attending a Roman Catholic Church, and that seems to be what the bulletin says too. So I'm a little out on the jury on this. But hey more power to him, probably letting priests and nuns get married isn't a bad idea.

Okay I'm going to go pretend like I know what I'm doing and do it..even if it is wrong.
Happy Humping day everyone
Hugs and stuff

Home sweet warm home

Holy Moly the lake was colder than a mother bunny humper this weekend. Hmmmm does anyone have any idea how cold a mother bunny humper is?
Lets just say it was efing cold.
60 degrees.
While this may not sound very cold people, set up a bathtub full of water at 60 degrees and go lay totally immersed in it for 50 minutes then come tell me if you got cold. (Side note here you may want to have a snorkle or something as laying fully immersed in the tub could cause drowning--this is an official disclamer that if you do this without breathing appritus I'm not taking responsibility for your dumb ass)

Well the Doctor dude didn't go glug glug glug on me but there were a couple times I was hoping but what can you do. I however did go glug glug glug when I had to chase after the doc once but at least I can react well and not drown. LOL...

So after diving on Saturday I was freezing, and had only to look forward to going to the motel for a tepid shower when in reality I wanted to stand under a scalding shower for about an hour. Alas it was not to be. You can't do hot after diving...no hot showers, no jacuzzi's and no saunas. Since there are nitrogen bubbles in your blood stream doing hot or strenious exercise increases the bubbles which will at best cause you to have to "ride the Chamber" (go into the decompression chamber)or Die...Listen Dying would put a crimp in the kinky sex acts and exoctic travel plans I have made for the next 20 to 30 years so tepid showers it is. ugghh

Well I'm off to put air in about 20 tanks, clean the wetsuits (icky..as you know the earlier conversations we've had about wesuits and gross things you can do in them to stay warm)

Happy Monday all

You may never see me again

someone tell me again why I'm becoming a professional in the Scuba Diving Industry????
Anyone?
No?
Holy cold water batman, we are taking a parcel of students down to the lake tomorrow. I just checked the water temp and it's like 57degrees and colder at 60 feet which of course is where we need to go with them.
I'm not going to be a happy camper as you all know I get goose bumps if it's 98 and there is a breeze blowing.
Gawd I'm such an idiot. (Shut up Burfica)
What happened to the great diving in the Carribien with 89 degree water hanging out with Sharks.
You remember I did that last year.
What the hell went wrong in just a few short months.

Okay
I'm breathing
I'm thinking warm thoughts
I'm gonna die in the cold
Opps that wasn't a warm fuzzy thought was it

I just have to stay focused on going to Cozumel in May....ahhhhhhhh warm water, and sharks and turtles and toad fish oh my

This lake trip should be intresting, we have the doctor along that thinks he can float with weights and no assistance, remember the one that sank to the bottom of the pool. Hopefully I won't have to power dive to 100 feet to rescue him. Again hearing a student go glug glug glug in a pool is bad enough...hearing that same sound in deep water is even worse.

Soooo a little while ago some old lady walks into my lovely scuba shop walks right up to the counter and starts yelling at me that we don't have the Sandwich menu posted and what is all this "rubber" stuff doing in the resturant. We are two doors down from the Quizno's and she came in the wrong door but it was my fault that my shop isn't Quizno's. Then she accused me of having a "kinky sex shop" Hmmmmmmm I'm guessing you can use some of this scuba gear in the bedroom, but fins on while having your knees behind your ears could be quite the site to see. Then there are always the long hoses and hose extenders that are on the wall. You all use your own imagination on that.

But I think I'm digressing...
Again
Then what's new with me
I can't ever keep one coherent thought going for more than 18 seconds
That's my record
18 seconds
What was I saying?

Any good pranks pulled on this April Fools Day on anyone or to anyone. This is my day off since my life has been one big April Fool's joke since the beginning of the year.

Happy Friday
If you don't ever see me again I froze to death and am like that Freeze dried shrimp cocktail you feed to your aquarium fish
Wish me luck